sábado, 29 de noviembre de 2014

THE SHELL SHOCK TANGO

This filk sprung from an idea I had tonight of doing a Cell Block Tango with the ladies of The Big Four expanded fandom. It's all for the sake of the characters and the things that happen in the films.
The title comes from the fact that they're all traumatized by the offences they have commited. It's a fine pun with the original title, don't you think?
The following filk contains violence (you ought to watch this with discretion), a crackship or two (maybe even more!), and gratuitous German.
Readers beware!

THE SHELL SHOCK TANGO
Dedicated to everyone at class

[Toothiana]
Freeze!
[Calhoun]
Six!
[Astrid]
Thrust!
[Rapunzel]
Uh-uh!
[Elsa]
Weselton!
[Mavis] 
Once-ler!


[Toothiana]
Freeze!
[Calhoun]
Six!
[Astrid]
Thrust!
[Rapunzel]
Uh-uh!
[Elsa]
Weselton!
[Mavis] 
Once-ler!

[Captain of the Corona Royal Guard]
And now, the Six Merry Murderesses of Corona State Prison
in their rendition of the Shell Shock Tango!


[Toothiana]
Freeze!
[Calhoun]
Six!
[Astrid]
Thrust!
[Rapunzel]
Uh-uh!
[Elsa]
Weselton!
[Mavis] 
Once-ler!


[Toothiana]
Freeze!
[Calhoun]
Six!
[Astrid]
Thrust!
[Rapunzel]
Uh-uh!
[Elsa]
Weselton!
[Mavis] 
Once-ler!

[All]
They had it coming,
they had it coming,
they only had themselves to blame...
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[Toothiana]
You know how people have these little habits that get you down.
Like... Jack Frost.
Jack loved to freeze things.
No, not frost. FREEZE.
So I come to headquarters this one day, and I'm really irritated,
and I'm looking for a little more sympathy.
And there's Jack Frost, lying on a couch, freezing the glass he's drinking from.
No, not frosting. FREEZING.
So, I said to him:
"Jack, you freeze something one more time..."
And he did.
So I summoned two Baby Teeth, and I fired them as a warning
INTO HIS EYES.

He had it coming,
he had it coming, 
he only had himself to blame...
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[Calhoun]
I met Honey Lemon at San Fransokyo University, about two years ago.
And she told me she was single.
And we hit it off right away. 
So, we started living together.
She'd go to her research, she'd come home, I'd fix her a drink, we'd have supper...
And then I found out.
"Single", she told me...
Single my arse!
She had six significant others.
One of those sentai, you know.
So that night, when she came home from her research, I fixed her a drink, as usual.
You know, some scientists just can't hold their iocaine!

She had it coming, 
she had it coming, 
she took a hot shot in her prime,
and then she used her, 
and she abused her...
It was a murder, but not a crime!

[Astrid]
Now, I'm standing in the stables,
checking out our dragons before training, 
minding my own business,
and in storms my rival Snoutlout in a jealous rage!
"You've been screwing Hiccup!", he says.
He was berserk, and he kept on screaming:
"You've been screwing Hiccup!"
And then, he ran into my battle axe.
He ran into my axe ten times.

If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[Rapunzel]
Aber warum bin ich eigentlich hier?
Die Leute sagen, dass ich meinen Geliebten in einer Falle lockte
und dass ich ihm in den Rücken gestossen habe.
Das ist nicht wahr! Ich bin unschuldig!
Ich weiss nicht warum Frau Gothel sagt, dass ich es getan habe.
Ich versuchte dem Königspaar alles zu erklären.
Aber sie haben es nicht verstanden.
[Astrid]
Yeah, but did you do it?
[Rapunzel]
Uh-uh! Not guilty!

[Elsa]
My sister Anna and I had this double act,
and my fiancé Hans travelled around with us.
Now, for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row:
one, two, three, four, five,
somersaults, triple flips, back flips, flip flops, 
one right after the other.
So this one night before the show, 
we're down at the Hotel Weselton.
The three of us, quaffing and laughing together...
And we ran out of ice.
So I go out to get some.
I take off my gloves, I concentrate...
Let it go! Let it go!
The cold never bothered me anyway!
I come back, open the door...
And there's Anna and Hans, doing Number Seventeen:
Love is an Open Door!
Well, I was in such a state of shock...
I completely blacked out. 
I don't remember a thing.
Absolute zero.
It wasn't until later,
when I was putting on my gloves to conceal the blood on my hands,
I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming
they had it coming
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it, 
how could you tell me that I was wrong?


They had it coming
they had it coming
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it, 
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

[Mavis]
I loved the Once-ler more than I can probably say.
He was a really artistic guy... sensitive... a musician.
But he was always trying to find himself.
He'd go out every night looking for himself,
and on the way...
he found Merida, Ruffnut, Tara... and Jamie.
I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences.
He saw himself as alive
and I saw him DEAD.

[All]
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!


They had it coming
they had it coming
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it, 
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming,
they had it coming,
they only had themselves to blame...
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!


[Toothiana]
You freeze something one more time...
[Calhoun]
Single my arse!
[Astrid]
He ran into my axe ten times.
[Rapunzel]
Warum wurde ich eingelocht?
[Elsa]
Number Seventeen: Love is an Open Door!
[Mavis] 
Artistic differences.


[Toothiana]
Freeze!
[Calhoun]
Six!
[Astrid]
Thrust!
[Rapunzel]
Uh-uh!
[Elsa]
Weselton!
[Mavis] 
Once-ler!


[Toothiana]
Freeze!
[Calhoun]
Six!
[Astrid]
Thrust!
[Rapunzel]
Uh-uh!
[Elsa]
Weselton!
[Mavis] 
Once-ler!

Annotations:

  • 0: Six is an intertextual shout-out to new film Big Hero 6, from which Honey Lemon comes. Weselton is for the Dukedom of Weselton in Frozen. Corona is Rapunzel's, Flynn's, and Gothel's homeland.
  • 1: A Baby Tooth is one of Toothiana's hummingbird-sized mini fairy servants.
  • 2: Calhoun/Honey sounds like a crack pairing, yet, as foils to each other, they may have a good start.
  • A sentai (Japanese for "regiment") is a team of colour-coded superheroes, like the Pretty Cures, Sailor Senshi, or Power Rangers. Honey Lemon is the Smart Gal of the titular sentai in Big Hero 6. And yes, a seventh member joins them in the end.
  • Iocaine is a poison, in the form of powder, which kills the drinker like lightning, featured in the classic fantasy The Princess Bride. There is some irony here, because Honey Lemon is a Chemistry student.
  • 3: Astrid's weapon of choice is a battle axe.
  • A berserk is a Viking warrior in drug-induced rage. Snoutlout, anyone?
  • 4: Translating Rapunzel's German-language rant
"But why am I actually here?
People say that I tricked my lover into a trap,
and that I stabbed him in the back.
That is not true! I'm innocent!
I don't know why Frau Gothel says I did it.
I've tried to explain it to the royals,
but they didn't understand!"
  • 5: Elsa would have no problem in fixing more ice with her powers.
  • "Love is an Open Door" is the title of Hans and Anna's love duet in Frozen, during which they romance each other.
  • Absolute zero: the lowest temperature that can be attained, 0 degrees Kelvin, -273.5 degrees Celsius. A nice self-referential pun with Elsa's ice powers.
  • 6: The MavisxOnce-ler crossover ship, or Mavler, is rather popular, and I ship them sometimes (when I don't make Oncie gay)
  • The Once-ler is a sensitive guy to the core, and he enjoys singing and playing the guitar.
  • Oncie's alleged lovers: Merida from Brave (obviously), Ruffnut from How to Train your Dragon (the female of the fraternal twins), Tara the Leaf Queen from Epic (a more dignified and mature, older lover)... and Jamie the muggle boy from Rise of the Guardians. I usually make Oncie gay or bi, and this filk is a perfect example.
  • Coda: Rapunzel's German needs translation once more: "Why have I been imprisoned?"




THE BLACK PLAQUE TANGO

THE BLACK PLAQUE TANGO
This is the Cell Block Tango filk of my own creation with more queerness, more sweets, and 100 percent original characters.
The idea came today while buying sweets, for I bought peach gummies, green frog gummies, sunny side up egg gummies, gummy bears, cream kisses, and cola gummies.
I had the Cell Block Tango on my mind and I started to chant for myself: "Peach, frogs, eggs, uh-uh!... Kisseros, cola!"
Hence the idea.
The Hunyak character Estela speaks Spanish, my own mother tongue.

[Lizzie]
Peach!
[Katla]
Frogs!
[Janette]
Eggs!
[Estela]
Uh-uh!
[Violette]
Kisseros!
[Persephone]
Cola!

[Lizzie]
Peach!
[Katla]
Frogs!
[Janette]
Eggs!
[Estela]
Uh-uh!
[Violette]
Kisseros!
[Persephone]
Cola!

[Announcer]
And now, the Six Merry Murderesses of Riboha County Jail
in their rendition of the Black Plaque Tango!

[Lizzie]
Peach!
[Katla]
Frogs!
[Janette]
Eggs!
[Estela]
Uh-uh!
[Violette]
Kisseros!
[Persephone]
Cola!

[Lizzie]
Peach!
[Katla]
Frogs!
[Janette]
Eggs!
[Estela]
Uh-uh!
[Violette]
Kisseros!
[Persephone]
Cola!

They had it coming
They had it coming
They only had themselves to blame!
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet ya you'd have done the same!

[Lizzie]
You know how people have these little habits that let you down...
Like... Miss Hills.
Miss Hills told us always to eat more fruit.
No, not sweets. FRUIT.
So I come to phys ed class this one day, and I'm really cross because of my maths grades.
So I'm looking for a little more sympathy.
And there's Miss Hills, standing upright as if she had swallowed a rapier,
looking at the stash of peach gummies I am finishing.
Yes, it contains real fruit!
So she said to me: "You have gummies one more time..."
and I said: "It's fruit!"
So I took out the last two peach gummies 
and I fired them as a warning
INTO HER FACE!

She had it coming,
she had it coming, 
she only had herself to blame.
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet ya you'd had done the same!

[Lizzie]
Peach!
[Katla]
Frogs!
[Janette]
Eggs!
[Estela]
Uh-uh!
[Violette]
Kisseros!
[Persephone]
Cola!

[Lizzie]
Peach!
[Katla]
Frogs!
[Janette]
Eggs!
[Estela]
Uh-uh!
[Violette]
Kisseros!
[Persephone]
Cola!

[Katla]
I met Killian Green in Chelsea about two years ago.
And he told me he was single... and we hit it off right away.
So we started living together: he'd leave for his roleplays, he'd come home,
I'd fix him a drink, and then we'd have supper, then a good period piece and sweets for two...
And then, I found out...
"Single", he told me... SINGLE MY ANUS!
He had six significant others.
One of those live action roleplayers, you know.
So that evening, when he came home, I fixed him his drink as usual.
You know, some guys just can't hold their poison frogs!

He had it coming,
he had it coming, 
he took a princess in her prime,
and then he used her, 
and he abused her...
It was a murder, but not a crime!

[Janette]
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen, 
frying some eggs sunny side up for supper,
minding my own business,
and in storms my dear Rebecca in a jealous rage!
"You've been screwing the waitress!", she said.
She had completely freaked out and kept on screaming:
"You've been screwing the waitress!"
And then she ran into my eggs. 
She ran into my eggs twelve times!

If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet ya you'd had done the same!

[Estela]
¿Qué es lo que estoy haciendo aquí?
Dicen por ahí que lo estoy haciendo con un oso de verdad.
Pero no es así. Yo soy inocente.
No sé por qué la gente dice que tengo un oso vivo en casa.
He intentado explicarles que sólo me gustan los ositos de gominola y de peluche,
pero parece que nadie en el universo se atreva a creerme.
[Lizzie]
Yeah, but did you do it?
[Estela]
Uh-uh! Not guilty!

[Violette]
My brother Étienne and I had this double act,
and my significant other Renée travelled around with us.
Now, for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row:
one, two, three, four, five,
moonwalking, flip-flops, cartwheels, somersaults, one right after the other.
So, this one night before the show, we were in the Unbirthday Party Inn, the three of us, quaffing and having a few laughs, getting a little warmed up with liquid courage...
And we ran out of ice.
So I went out to get some.
I come back, open the door...
and there's Étienne and Renée doing Number Sixty-Nine,
giving each other cream kisseros.
Well, I was in such a state of shock I completely blacked out.
I don't remember anything. Absolute zero.
It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off their cream kisseros,
I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming
they had it coming
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it, 
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming
they had it coming
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it, 
how could you tell me that I was wrong?


[Persephone]
I loved cola more than I can possibly say.
It tasted so good, and so refreshing... aphrodisiac.
So, when shopping, I was always trying to find it.
I'd go out every evening trying to find it.
And on the way, I found horchata, guarapo, iced tea, and Red Cow.
I guess you can say I gave up because of aesthetic differences.
I saw it as the only one,
and I see it as just one more.

[All]
As just one more, more, more, more, more!
As just one more, more, more, more, more!

They had it coming
they had it coming
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it, 
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming
they had it coming
they had it coming all along...
I didn't do it,
but if I'd done it, 
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

[Lizzie]
"You have gummies one more time..."
[Katla]
SINGLE MY ANUS.
[Janette]
She ran into my eggs twelve times!
[Estela]
Todo por unos ositos de gominola y de peluche...
[Violette]
Number Sixty-Nine, giving each other cream kisseros.
[Persephone]
Aesthetic differences.

[Lizzie]
Peach!
[Katla]
Frogs!
[Janette]
Eggs!
[Estela]
Uh-uh!
[Violette]
Kisseros!
[Persephone]
Cola!

JACKUNZEL OTHELLO AU

Fusion with Othello: Jackunzel Style

So, this is all I have to say: this is a fusion AU with characters in the Rise of the Brave Tangled Frozen Dragons expanded universe. Ships featured (aside from Jackunzel): Jelsa, HansxElsa, Hans/Kristoff, Hans/Flynn, FlynnxAstrid. And Kristanna in the end.
The mood of this one switches irreverently from lighthearted parody to some rather dark scenes. Yes, that kind of dark. Kind of like in The Shell Shock Tango, in which everyone is badass to do the trick but the murders are retold in that sunny merry style.


Dramatis personae

STARRING
Jack Frost as Othello
Rapunzel Corona as Desdemona
Eugene Fitzherbert (AKA Flynn Rider) as Cassio
Astrid Hofferson as Bianca
Hans of the Southern Isles as Iago
Elsa of Arendelle as Emilia
Kristoff Bjorgman as Roderigo
FEATURING
Anna of Arendelle as Herself (in the role of a Barmaid/Peasant Maiden)
Tamara Jane Calhoun as Herself (in the role of the Former Governor)
The Duke of Weselton as Himself (in the role of Ludovico)


jueves, 27 de noviembre de 2014

DON'T MESS WITH THE HOLY OFFICE

The following post may be considered painful, graphic, or otherwise prove repulsive.
We recommend sensitive readers to stay away from it.

This post is dedicated to the never expected
SPANISH INQUISITION!
Let us start with a reference in Shakespeare's play The Winter's Tale:
The premise: in the kingdom of Bohemia (modern-day Czech Republic), boy meets girl (at harvest festival). He is royalty, while she is a shepherd lass (actually, an estranged royal child, adopted by a peasant family). A courtier is keeping an eye on the young lovers, and thus he informs His Majesty of the upcoming mesalliance. Threats imposed by the Crown on the heroine's relatives, should the fated marriage take place, ensue (in Act IV, Scene 4). The nastiest one of them, in my opinion, is the probable (but never carried out) fate of the Young Shepherd (or Clown), Perdita's foster brother...







who shall be flayed alive; then 'nointed over with
honey, set on the head of a wasp's nest; then stand till he be
three quarters and a dram dead; then recovered again with
aqua-vitae or some other hot infusion; then, raw as he is, and in
the hottest day prognostication proclaims, shall he be set
against a brick wall, the sun looking with a southward eye upon
him,—where he is to behold him with flies blown to death.


Glossary to understand the text 


  • 'nointed: anointed
  • three quarters and a dram dead: comatose, in a deep state of unconsciousness
  • recovered: revived
  • aqua-vitae: brandy (French eau-de-vie) (Norwegian aquavit)
  • hot infusion: distilled liquor
  • prognostication: weather forecasts
  • the sun looking with a southward eye upon him: the youth shall be chained facing south, for the midday sun (at 12:00 AM) to shed its light directly on his body. The bugs would come attracted by the honey, and they may lay their eggs on his searing, blazing frame, where the larvae would certainly hatch. The larvae would gradually consume his flesh from within. Add this to the searing heat and excruciating pain... Could I have some more aqua-vitae?

Reaction of the Clown or Young Shepherd:
Give him (the courtier) gold. Show the inside of the purse to the outside of his hand, and do no more. Remember "flayed alive".

Shakespeare scholars remark that this was a punishment used by the SPANISH INQUISITION on HERETICS. Some of the spectators must have shuddered indeed.


I have also previously blogged on Schwedentrank or Schwedentrunk as well:

Il achevait sa réflexion, lorsqu'un soldat entra, et lui 
dit, le sabre à la main : -- Goûte cette eau !
— Oui, mon ami, répondit le gouverneur en remplissant un 
verre qu'il vida d'un seul trait, quoique l'eau ne 
fût pas sa boisson favorite. 
— C'est bien, dit le soldat,  qui se retira en fermant la 
porte sur le gouverneur. 

" Qu' attendent-ils encore de moi, pensa le gouverneur, 
puisque l'épreuve est faite ? Pourquoi me laisser ici?... 
c'est sans doute par erreur... " 
Un second soldat paraît. 
-- Goûte cette eau ! s'écria-t-il en brandissant une lance 
sur la tète du gouverneur. 
— Mais j'ai déjà bu... 
— Goûte cette eau ! te dis-je. 
Le gouverneur ne résiste pas à un ordre si poliment 
exprimé; il boit un second verre d'eau. 
-- A merveille! a fût le soldat, qui s'en va comme le pré- 
mier, après avoir eu soin de fermer la porte de la cave. 

" Qu'est-ce à dire?" murmure le gouverneur; "celui-ci 
aussi m'enferme! Quand m'en irai-je donc?"
Un troisième soldat survient, armé d'un pistolet. 
Même ordre impératif. 
-- Goûte cette eau! 
— Mais infailliblement j'étoufferai, si cela continue. 
— Veux-tu y goûter!?
Le gouverneur Infailliblemsnt avala avec mille gri- 
maces et mille contorsions le troisième verre d'eau. 
Cette eau était horriblement glacée. 

Arrive un quatrième, arrive un cinquième, un 
sixième, arrive un douzième soldat!

Douze verres d'eau ont déjà passé par le gosier et 
clapotent dans l'estomac de l'infortuné gouverneur. 
Il n'en peut plus; il souffle, 
son ventre est tendu et rond comme un ballon. 
Pourtant il faut qu'il boive encore! Il le faut! 
Toujours ce même commandement gronde à ses oreilles 
entre des piques de fer, des bâtons rugueux, des épées et 
des mousquets gorgés de balles. 

-- Goûte cette eau ! ou bien... mille morts ! 

Enfin, au dix-huitième verre, écrasé par cet excès d'eau 
froide, le gouverneur tombe par terre, à la joyeuse et 
brutale satisfaction des soldats qui l'avaient abreuvé. 
Nous saurons plus tard s'il en mourut. 
After which comes my review of the PEAR
(This pear is no fruit)
Now you'd go "Oooh! A metal pear!"
Yes, this is a metal pear. Not only that, but also the Swiss Army knife of the Holy Office.
The pear was shut, thrust inside an orifice, and then slowly opened by means of the screw on the top.
It was inserted into witches' vaginas, into gay men's rectums, and down the throats of heretics.
Not quite pleasant in either case!


martes, 25 de noviembre de 2014

THE FELL BACK TANGO - MY SHAKESPEARE FILK

I wanted to do a Shakespeare rendition of the Cell Block Tango, et voilà!
This is my contribution to the world of Cell Block Tango filks.
You can stage it, if you're pleased.

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

[VERGES]
And now, the Six Merry Murderers of Shakespeare County Jail
in their rendition of the Fell Back Tango!

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

They had it coming, 
they had it coming,
they only had themselves to blame...
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[LADY M.]
You know how people have these little habits that get you down.
Like Duncan.
He was a worthless royal.
Stayed at court, and let his generals fight for him on the battlefield.
He was SCARED.
So my husband and I are invited to court one day,
and I'm really irritated, and I'm looking for a way to take this crown...
And there's Duncan,
lying in bed, clutching his pillow... and I get scared!
No, not just doubtful... SCARED!
So I said to my husband,
"You'd kill the King now in bed?" He said yes.
So he pulled this dagger from its scabbard,
and he thrust the cold steel twice
into his heart.

He had it coming!
He had it coming!
He only had himself to blame!
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet you would have done the same!

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

[GONERIL]
I have known my twin sister Regan
from as long as I remember.
And we had called our old man out,
and he went packing right away!
So, we started conspiring together!
We'd visit each other, I'd had a drink served for her, we'd have supper...
And then, I found out...
"Edmund...", she told me.
Edmund... Good Lord!
Not only was she betrothed,
oh no!
but she loved the one I loved as well.
One of those crushes, you know.
So that evening, when she came home with the one we'd fight for,
I fixed her a drink, as usual.
You know, some ladies just can't hold their strychnine...

She had it coming!
She had it coming!
She took a flower in its prime,
and then she used it,
and she abused it,
it was a murder, not a crime!

[TYBALT]
Now I'm standing before the mansion,
standing guard should some Montagues come,
minding my own business.
And in storm Romeo and Mercutio,
as obnoxious as ever.
"If Romeo doesn't fight 'em, I will!", Mercutio said.
He was crazy, and he kept on screaming:
"If Romeo doesn't fight 'em, I will!"
"En garde!"
And then he ran into my rapier.
He ran into my rapier ten times.

If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet you would have done the same!

[LOUIS]
Qu'est-ce que je fais ici?
On dit que le roi des Anglais nous a déclaré la guerre
en réponse au cadeau de balles de paume qu'il a réçu.
Mais ce n'est pas vrai. Je suis innocent.
Je ne sais pas pourquoi ce cadeau a déclenché cette guerre.
Nous avons eu trop de balles de paume!
Alors, j'ai eu l'idée d'envoyer ces balles à Henri Cinq.
[LADY M.]
Yeah, but did you do it?
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh! Not guilty!

[OTHELLO]
My Lieutenant Cassio and I had these military affairs,
and my wife Desdemona got along with both of us.
Now, having recently won the war, my aide Iago told me all of their secrets in a row:
one, two, three, four, five,
embraces, caresses, tickles, kisses,
one right after the other.
Now this one night, we were in the residence, the four of us,
but I was not in the mood for having a few laughs.
And I ran out, for I saw Cassio wearing Desdemona's handkerchief.
I come back, open the door,
and I picture myself Desdemona and Cassio
doing Number Seventeen: 
the Beast with Two Backs.
Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out.
I don't remember a thing.
It wasn't until later, when I was taking my hands off her throat,
I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming!
They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn't do it,
but, if I'd done it,
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming!
They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn't do it,
but, if I'd done it,
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

[MRS. QUICKLY]
I loved John Falstaff more than I can possibly say.
He was a really lively guy... cheerful... a bon vivant.
But he was always trying to find himself.
He'd go out every night looking for himself,
and, on the way, he found Bardolph,
Pistol,
Nym,
Poins,
Mrs. Page,
and Mrs. Ford.
I guess you can say we broke up because of irreconcilable differences.
He saw himself as alive
and I saw him dead.

[ALL]
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...

They had it coming!
They had it coming!
They had it coming all along!
I didn't do it,
but, if I'd done it,
how could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming, 
they had it coming,
they only had themselves to blame...
If you had been there,
if you had seen it,
I bet my life you'd done the same!

[LADY M.]
You'd kill the King now in bed?
[GONERIL]
Edmund... Good Lord!
[TYBALT]
He ran into my rapier ten times.
[LOUIS]
Nous avons eu trop de balles de paume!
[OTHELLO]
Number Seventeen: the Beast with Two Backs.
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Irreconcilable differences.

[LADY M.]
Scared!
[GONERIL]
Crush!
[TYBALT]
En garde!
[LOUIS]
Uh-uh!
[OTHELLO]
Handkerchief!
[MRS. QUICKLY]
Falstaff!

lunes, 24 de noviembre de 2014

THE GRIMMAULD PLACE TANGO

And now, the Six Merry Murderers of Azkaban Prison
in their rendition of the Grimmauld Place Tango!

[TONKS] Vigilance
[MINERVA] Three
[NEVILLE] Squish
[VIKTOR] Uh uh
[NARCISSA] Hogs Head
[RON] Potter!

[ALL]
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

[TONKS] Vigilance
[MINERVA] Three
[NEVILLE] Squish
[VIKTOR] Uh uh
[NARCISSA] Hogs Head
[RON] Potter!

[TONKS] 
You know how people have these little habits
That get you down. Like Moody.
Moody liked to mention "constant vigilance."
No, not mention. SCREAM.
Well, I came to the Order meeting this one day
And I am really irritated, and looking for a little sympathy
and there'e Moody layin' on the couch, polishing his eye
and mentionin'. No, not mentionin'.
SCREAMIN'. So, I said to him,
I said, "Moody, you SCREAM "constant vigilance" one more time..."
and he did.
So I took my wand off the wall and I fired two warning hexes... 
...into his eye socket.

[MINERVA]
I met Remus Lupin in the staff lounge about two years ago
and he told me I was the only Animagus for him
and we hit it off right away.
So, we started living together.
He'd go to class, he'd come home, I would make him some tea, We'd 
have dinner.
Well, it was like heaven in two and a half rooms.
And then I found out:
"The only animagus?" he told me
Only, my ass. Not only did he have other animagi
...oh, no, he had three of them.
One of those Dark Creatures, you know. 
So that night, when he came home, I gave him his cuppa as usual.
You know, some werewolves just can't hold their Wolfsbane.

[TONKS, MINERVA, NEVILLE, RON]
Hah! He had it coming
He had it coming
He took a flower in its prime
And then he used it
And he abused it
It was a murder, But not a crime!

[NARCISSA AND VIKTOR]
vigilance, three, squish, uh-uh, Hogs Head, Potter

[NEVILLE]
Now, I'm in Greenhouse Three,
Repotting my Mimbulus mimbletonia,
minding my own business,
and in storms Draco Malfoy, in a jealous rage.
"You been screwin' the Potions Master,"
he says. 
He was crazy and he kept screamin',
"you been screwin the Potions Master."
And then he ran into my trowel.
He ran into my trowel ten times!

[All]
vigilance, three, squish, uh-uh, Hogs Head, Potter

[VIKTOR]
Mit keresek, én itt? 
Azt mondjak, hogy a híres lakóm lefogta a férjemet en meg 
lecsaptam a fejét. De nem igaz, én ártatlan 
vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja 
Cedric Diggory hogy én tettem. Probaltam
a rendôrsegen megmagyarázni, de nem értették meg...
[NEVILLE] Yeah, but did you do it?
[VIKTOR] UH UH, not guilty!

[NARCISSA]
My husband, Lucius, and I did this double act
and the Dark Lord, You Know Who, used to travel round with us.
Now, for the last number in our act, we did these 20 Dark spells in a 
row
one, two, three, four,five...
hexes, curses, jinxes, Unforgiveables,
one right after the other.
Well, this one night we were in the Hogs Head,
the three of us, sittin' up
in a hotel room, boozin' and havin' a few laughs and
we ran out of ice. So I went out to get some.
I come back, open the door
and there's Lucius and Voldie doing Number Seventeen-
the Spread Phoenix.
Well, I was in such a state of shock, 
I completely blacked out.I can't remember a thing. 
It wasn't until later, when I was washing the ichor off my hands 
I even knew they were dead.
They had it coming
They had it coming
They had it coming all along
I didn't do it
But if I'd done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

[RON]
I loved Harry Potter more than I can possibly say.
He was a real athletic guy... sporty... a Seeker.
But he was troubled.
He was always trying to find the Snitch.
He'd go out every night looking for the Snitch
and on the way he found Charlie,
Fred, 
Percy, 
and GINNY.
I guess you can say we broke up because of ship differences.
He saw himself as het
and I saw him SLASHED.

[GIRLS]
He had it coming 
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!

[TONKS, MINERVA, RON]
They had it comin' all along
'Cause if they used us
And they abused us
How could you tell us 
That we were wrong?

[TONKS] You shout that phrase one more time!
[MINERVA] Only Animagus my ass.
[NEVILLE] Ten times!
[VIKTOR] Miért csukott Cedric Diggory börtönbe.
[NARCISSA] Number seventeen-the Spread Phoenix.
[RON] Ship differences.

[ALL] I betcha you would have done the same!