jueves, 26 de febrero de 2015

SOMETHING YOU DON'T READ EVERY DAY

I still remember when (in the novels) Tywin Lannister died on the privy... as he evacuated. It was not gold (as the made-up story about his clan's wealth said). Squick.

That's something you very rarely read. What would Charles Dance, with all that British stuffiness and courtesy of his, have said about the matter?

Rarely, humans in fiction, often those in lead roles, need to get rid of their waste products.
When seen, this role is left over to animal characters and/or for comedic purposes.
Like in folktales of the Table-Set-Yourself type (Aarne-Thompson 563), which can be summarized as this:

  • Lone kid hero / Three brothers out to seek fortune
  • Donor gives each brother of the three a gift / the lone hero three gifts:
  1. self-setting table
  2. gold-defecating herbivore (bowdlerised in some versions as always gold-filled purse or coat)
  3. wand that obeys owner's commands
  • Thénardier-esque innkeepers (often, husband and wife) steal two first gifts, while owner is asleep, and replace them with non-magical lookalikes
  • Parents disbelieve in alleged magic of gifts when attempts to make their ersatzes function fail
  • Hero (/youngest brother) uses wand to torture innkeepers, who confess and give two first gifts back
  • All three gifts revealed to be magic: happy ever after (whole family prospers).


The following is an excerpt in which the "Parents disbelieve in alleged magic of second gift" phase is illustrated. In this version, the second gift is a gold-defecating billy goat, which the innkeepers have stolen and replaced, while the young hero slept, with a remarkably similar one withour any powers:

"After all, the North Wind is a jolly fellow; for now he has given me a ram which can coin golden ducats if I only say, 'Ram, ram! make money!' "
"All very true, I daresay," said his mother; "but I shan't believe any such stuff until I see the ducats made."
"Ram, ram! make money!" said the lad; but if the the ram made anything it wasn't money.

"Nordenvinden er en snill mann likevel; nå ga han meg en bukk som kan gjøre gulldukater, bare jeg sier, gjør penger!"
"Det vet jeg visst," sa moren, "det er ikke annet enn snakk, og jeg tror det ikke før jeg ser det."
"Min bukk, gjør penger!" sa gutten; men det ble nok ikke penger, det bukken gjorde.


Likewise, in the medieval fabliau One-Ox, the titular trickster deceives the village authorities into buying his mare, which, according to One-Ox himself, could defecate silver coins. In reality, One-Ox had found treasure by the wayside and stuffed the valuable coins into the horse's rectum. Which made it appear as if she were pooping silver.
Thus, both the magistrate and the priest buy the mare at great expense, and each of them takes care of her for a week, in turns. The first week, when she is at the priest's, the mare evacuates a single coin which had got stuck in her rectum. Imagine the priest's face!
Next week, when it's the magistrate's turn, the mare produces not a single nugget of silver. Thus, they decide to conspire and kill that trickster One-Ox (needless to say both authorities fail and they drown in a shipwreck!).

However, I remember how, as a child, I was shocked to read about a character emptying his rectum in what otherwise was a rather serious novel (this was before reading Tywin's death!). To be more precise, the male character in particular was the cultured and nice young lieutenant (who felt rather ashamed at lowering his trousers and doing what he had to do in the middle of a wasteland and in front of his men):

The lieutenant looked over at his men, who were completely
naked and he was overcome with a sudden urge to rebel. For a
few seconds he felt inclined to challenge him and even
exchanged a conspiratorial look with his soldiers, but they shook
their heads and the youngest one said despondently:
‘Don’t worry about us, lieutenant. Ajamuk will come and get
us.’

In stark contrast to this lieutenant's prudishness above is the scene of him emptying his... you get the picture:

The lieutenant had taken down his trousers and was squatting
some three meters away from the jeep.
The lieutenant snorted then looked around for the right kind
of stone to clean himself with. He got up and buttoned up his
trousers calmly.

In the original Spanish version, it went like this, being even more explicit:

El teniente contempló a sus hombres, completamente desnudos, y le invadió una profunda sensación de rebeldía. Por unos instantes estuvo a punto de oponerse, e incluso intercambió con ellos una mirada de inteligencia, pero negaron con un gesto, y el más joven señaló con voz cansada:
—No se preocupe por nosotros, teniente... Ajamuk vendrá a buscarnos.


El teniente se había bajado los pantalones y defecaba en cuclillas a no más de tres metros del jeep.
El teniente soltó un resoplido, buscó a su alrededor una piedra apropiada y se limpió con ella. Luego se puso en pie y se abrochó con parsimonia los pantalones.


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